I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
