And when I look at him, I just want him to say "I love you" in between deep thrusts and hard grunts.
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
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