When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
Randomize
