fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
Randomize
