I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
I believe in your delicious
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
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