if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
Randomize
