Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
Randomize
