I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
I want to fling myself into the sun
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
