It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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