are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
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