It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Randomize
