My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Night out in new white coat = success. Offered free breast exams all night, two took me up on it, woke up with one. I love medical school!!!
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
Randomize
