I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
Randomize
