my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
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