Plan B is the new Plan A
Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Randomize
