First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
