I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
Randomize
