i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
She played chubby bunny with our cocks.. She got 4
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
It's blow job season.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Randomize
