This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
