easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
Randomize
