I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
he was cumming and all I could think about was the pathway of sperm the in penis. thanks a lot nursing
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Randomize
