I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
