Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Model at car show < day drinking with your favorite sister. Get your head in the fucking game Christopher.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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