she looked like the before picture.
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Randomize
