neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
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