If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
