I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
I need to stop making out with boys in plain view of half my class.
He looked like Harry Potter. I had to do it.
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
My professor is wearing skinny jeans, orange socks and just said penetration. I don't know what to think
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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