when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Randomize
