I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
Randomize
