If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
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