John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
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