and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
so how does one go about finding a summer fling?
take advantage of an intern
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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