U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
I'll accept that I'm a woo girl. Just not the drunk cowboy hat wearing bar mongering twat bag type
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
Randomize
