that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
