I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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