i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
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