My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
My underwear smells like fireworks.
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
Randomize
