he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
Randomize
