He asked to "fluff my boner.."
You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
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