just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
