My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
.....so he has a son. Josh. That is not his roommate
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
BAHHAHHAHHAHAHHA SOME ASS IS BIYING NE DRHBKS. DRUBK
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
Randomize
