I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Randomize
