He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
HAH. HARRY POTTER CASUAL CONVO HAS BEEN EXTENDED TO DISCUSSING WEATHER. SO PRO
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
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