Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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