can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
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