I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
Maybe she gives good head
A girl who still calls a dick a "wiener"cannot possibly give good head
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
