Ps there is totally a drug addled prostitute in olympic pizza asking for change for a 100 bill
Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
my phone needs a breathalizer
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
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