I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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