you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
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