I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
Randomize
