Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
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